Finding love when you feel you are The Most Un-Dateable Person on the Planet.
by Jimmy Belasco, Poster Child for THE MOST UN-DATEABLE PERSON ON THE PLANET (reigning years 2009-2011)
One day, I found myself on the phone with my ex-boyfriend, Bill (name changed), as I was trying to talk him “off the ledge” (of his bed); he was in the throws of a deep depression.
“I’m so lonely! I will NEVER find anyone who could ever love me!” As he droned on and on for nearly an hour, inside my head I was shouting, “SHUT UP! You’re a 6’2” gorgeous model for GOODNESS SAKE! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You think you won’t be able to find someone just because you are a starving artist!? SHUT THE HELL UP! You’re worried that you are getting too old!? YOU’RE ONLY TURNING 40!!!!” I am pretty sure at one point I remember envisioning myself reaching through the phone with my hands securely around his neck as I was trying to cut off just enough oxygen to stop him from uttering one more word. It is also at about that point that I found myself thinking, or in this case yelling, outside of my head as I was shouting, “SHUT THE HELL UP!!! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!? STOP NOW… BEFORE I START TO LIKE YOU A WHOLE LOT LESS!!!” “Oops, did I say that out loud?” I got him to chuckle at that one. “Let’s just stop right here and compare our situations, shall we?” as I gathered my composure. “Take a moment to catch your breath while we spend a little time to look at THE UN-DATEABLE ME.”
‘The Un-Dateable Me’ I was referring to was the ME, about 4 years prior, when I re-entered back into The Wonderful World of Singledom. During that period in my life I could have been the official poster child for THE MOST UN-DATEABLE PERSON ON THE PLANET. I knew in this situation of odds, I had him beat – not that this was a contest; I just had to shut him up and give him a little perspective. But let’s face it; I didn’t look very good on paper.
JIMMY BELASCO – The Most Un-Dateable Person on the Planet
- I was closer to 50 than I was 40. (Age didn’t make one bit of difference to me, but it always seemed to end up on the top of his list, so I pulled the “I’m older than you and look what I was able to do” card)
- I was unemployed. (My most recent business had failed after years of struggling to keep it afloat)
- I was unemployable. (No one seemed interested in hiring someone who had been self employed for over 20 years)
- I was financially broke. (See #2 & #3 above)
- I was a 5’9” pasty white doughboy who was at least 40-50lbs overweight! (Now hold on, it is getting good…)
- I was living with over a dozen rescue animals (which are all part of the family and NOT up for adoption), with a veritable GERIATRICS WARD as well as a SPECIAL NEEDS WING (for some of the animals with Special Needs, requiring things like hand-feeding and watering with a turkey baster). And the kitchen often doubled as a TRIAGE UNIT & EMERGENCY ROOM (because I could not afford to go to the vet hospital)
- And ALL that item #6 entails (Living with that many animals requires a very special kind of insanity, I mean, a special kind of person with a very, very big heart)
- …And the DOG HAIR (this one deserves its own listing…I used to miscount dogs during headcount thinking the ball of hair sleeping in the corner was actually a dog)
- …And in a house that was in varying stages of remodel and disrepair (With my businesses closing, businesses opening and ever changing; money always seemed to be tight, leaving the house in complete and utter distress. Add to this the items listed in #’s 6-8; this was not a place to which you wanted to invite guests. It was, in fact, the perfect place to horrify and scare away any person you really liked!) (And now it gets really, REALLY GOOD, and you may want to get a glass of water and sit down for this one…)
- …The GRAND DELUXE PRIZE for that LUCKY PERSON who would have been unfortunate enough to go out with me… I was living with my ex-ex-partner, John, of 14.5 years in a house that we own together! (Because of the bad economic state of my financial affairs, he had to move back in to help us keep the house from going into foreclosure. And even though he had his own separate living quarters upstairs, had his own boyfriend of several years and we had grown to be more like brothers, it was still not something you would want on your dating resume!)
“HA! TRY TOPPING THAT!!!” Now that finally shut him up! Though, I do remember hearing a chuckle or so about halfway through my list – I know the whole dog thing sorta freaked him out.
Now, be honest with yourself, if you were handed this Dirty Laundry List attached to a Dating Resume, would you have made it more than half way through without running? I can clearly hear the pitter patter of feet starting around number 2 or 3 on the list. It starts with “R”, ends with “N” and has “U” in the middle – Lace up your Nike’s… and Run, Forrest, RUN!!!
Even with all of those odds stacked against me back then, I believed with ALL OF MY HEART that I would draw to me the love of my life; the person whom I would love and adore and who would love and adore me, and accept me – including ALL of THE UN-DATABLE ME. And that is exactly what I did. About three years after becoming single, I met the person who would become the love of my life, Mabo Yamamura. And two years later, we were married at the very tip of Cape Cod. And lets go back to Bill; because of his amazing ability to focus and the fact that he had done much of the work (that we will discuss later) prior to his meltdown, he pulled himself together and within approximately TWO months after the talking him off the ledge conversation, he had drawn to himself his current relationship, which he now describes as the love of his life. Let me point something out something very important here, my new relationship and Bill’s new relationship didn’t just happen “by chance”. We specifically and knowingly attracted these people into our lives using a few things I have learned over the years.
The period leading into attracting the love of my life, was THE darkest period of my life. My 14.5 year relationship had just ended along with a long, slow and painful collapse of my most recent business. Adding to all of this fun, I went well over 3 years without a paycheck. THOUGH, it is because of this dark period that I AM NOW HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN!
If not for My Dark Period, I would have never gone to the Round Up that night (to get out of the house and socialize for the first time in about 3 years), I would not have met Mabo, I would not have had the time to get to know him (unemployed and all the time in the world). I would not have looked as good as I did (I couldn’t afford to eat much more than basic proteins, along with the dancing I lost nearly 40 lbs). I now look back upon My Dark Period, as my friend Maggie (John, my ex’s mom) so aptly named it, as a necessary step for me to not only find myself, but also to be in a space in which I could attract the love of my life – Mabo! To read Our Love Story, find that link on the menu of this site.